Now for something completely different.

Posted Aug 19 at 2:42 AM

Tags: burn, cool, dick, fart, fire, flatulence, genital, mole, penis, scrotum, surgery

The Nanny Diaries..... Incident

Posted Aug 18 at 9:11 PM

This week, was Rag-Week. aka: Bitch week.

You can't help it. You just act like a bitch..moreso than usual. And last night's The Nanny Diaries Incident really needs to go into the history books as a benchmark period-bitch attack.

It was a sunday night, I really had nothing better to do, I had been invited to a party, but the party was in woolloomooloo.. Woolloomooloo = far away from the couch

So I stayed in and ordered a movie on PPV, and settled into a nice snuggly night on the couch for two of us. Not so. John haaaaated the movie, and went into the bedroom to sleep instead.

Well. this realllllly pissed me off. Seething. How dare he sleep rather than watch a movie with me?!! especially when I could have been at some stupid party, not that I really wanted to go, but that's not the point.

So I sat on the couch for about 4 hours plotting my revenge.

I thought I would just sleep out there as a show of defiance.. 'yeah well if you're gonna sleep in there, i'm gonna sleep in here!!.. alll night! yeah see how you like that'..

But eventally I decided to just suck it up and go into the bedroom. I walked around to his side of the bed and blew out the candle.. maybe a little too hard...

John suddenly starts screaming because hot wax from the candle that he has been burning all night has formed a giant puddle in the holder and when I blew (a galeforce) breathe to blow the flame out, I accidentally sent a tidal wave of burning hot wax all over john's face.

Ooops.

So he's screaming, and I'm like "can you fucking stop screaming! I'm trying to sleep!" All the while he keeps coming in and turning lights on and asking me to help him pick out a chunk of wax that has hardened on his eyeball.. but in my mood i'm all "yeah whatever, its your own fault for burning a candle for 6 hours and not watching The Nanny Diaries with me"

Relationships are awesome.

So then johns whinging about all the wax stuck on his arms, and hair, and calling me a bitch for not helping him get it out, and my response is "well I would have helped you, if you werent acting like a jerk".. yeahhhh..

I'm a maniac, maniac thats for sure.. and i'm being a bitch, like i've never been before.

I take no responsibility for anything that transpired. It was my uterus' fault, it had nothing to do with me.

Tags: attack, bitch, candle, diaries, nanny, period, pms, rag, revenge, uterus, wax

7 comments

Neighbor Wars - The Garbage Menace

Posted Aug 16 at 4:20 PM

My neighbors across the hall are on my ever growing list of Enemies. The last thing I want to see when I leave the house first thing in the morning, or come home to late at night is a pile of stinky garbage.

Keep your chicken carcass, used nappies, empty bottles, corn cobs in your own apartment please!!!!!!!!!

Last night upon walking up the stairs to my unit, I was knocked over by the stench of hallway garbage.. PIGS!! I do what I do best.. I wrote them a note and stuck it on their door.

Dear Neighbors,
Do you mind not leaving a pile of festering garbage in the hallway.
It is disgusting.
If it is too difficult to walk down the stairs to the bins, might I suggest instigating a garbage chute.
Love, The Sanitation Police.

Later when I was coming home from the gym, I noticed that a) the garbage had been removed and b) they had replied to the note, and left it stuck on the door.

Reply: FUCK OFF!!! Fuck off with your sarcasm, this is the last thing I need after a long day at the Office.

Pffffffffft. Is that some sort of excuse to be a disgusting pig?? we all have jobs. that doesn't mean we don't take our garbage out.
It took all my self control not to knock on their door and throw some used pads and popcicle wrappers in their face.
Jerks.

On another note.. my dog just gave birth to two puppies last night! I didn't even KNOW she was pregnant! That slut!

Tags: apartment, door, enemy, garbage, menace, neighbor, note, pigs, trash, war

8 comments

Ways I've injured my twat!

Posted Aug 15 at 10:56 PM

OR maybe I should have titled this post, " Too much information". Boys feel free to avert your eyes, you might not want to read this.

I received that dreaded letter in the mail the other day. No, not the credit card bill, or a disconnection notice. Something much, much worse. A pap smear reminder from my dedicated Gyno. Seems I'm overdue for a check up. Gaaahhhh! Made my blood run cold. I'm a total wuss when it involves any poking and prodding in my nether regions that isn't sex related. I would sooner peel back my eyelids and stick my head in an ants nest. Seriously. Let me tell you why.

The first time a doctor had cause to peer into my pussy, I was 13 years old.
I had been in and out of the pool all day and racing around in just my swimsuit. This game was my brothers invention and basically it was just a clever excuse to flog the daylights out of his younger sisters. Bastard. If he caught you, you had to submit to a beating. Fun.
So I was running away from him and thought I'd jump over the neighbors fence to escape. You have to remember that the fence was an old wooden one, not the new colorbond variety that is popular now. Anyway, I had one leg over the fence when I slipped and literally impaled myself on it. A very sharp bit of wood went straight through my swimsuit and into my VAG.

It hurt like a bitch and I raced inside, squatted down in the bathroom and saw a big bloody splinter stuck in the side of my gina. ARRRGGGHHHHH!!
I found the tweezers and began to remove it. Ohh the pain, the horror, the mortal fear. I managed to get half of it out but there was a small, very sharp bit that I just could not dig out. I cried and cried and cried. What would I do? Answer. Ring my bestie of course. Annie knows everything. So I did and she laughed till she cried, then proceeded to inform me that if I left it in, it would become infected and I'd have pus and gunk oozing out of me, and no boy would ever want me, and then my pussy would seal up, never to be normal again. I'd be known as the pusy pussy girl. People would cross the street to avoid me, and a strange odor would follow me till the day I died a smelly, festering virgin! ARGGGHHHHHHHH!

Holy fuck I had no choice. I had to tell my mom, who wasted no time in taking me to our local doctor.

You can not comprehend how mortified I was. I was 13, spread eagled on a doctors bed, a light shining on my "privates", with an old man, who had been my doctor since birth removing a splinter from my pussy! If Jebus had struck me down dead right at that minute I would have been overjoyed.

But oh no, that wasn't the end of the shame. He didn't believe my" falling on a fence" story and began to lecture me, in front of my mother, on the evils of masturbation and sticking foreign objects into my vagina. ARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! Kill me now.

So anyway, I'm due for a pap smear and I have some words of wisdom for any woman who is about to have one also. Are you ready?

When you're up in the stirrups with that metal contraption inside you, and you feel the need to sneeze. DON'T. If it means your head explodes from holding it in. Do it. Do what ever you have to do to stop the sneeze, because this unfortunate situation happened to me ( of course) and my knees jerked together in a reflex action. The metal do dah inside me, pinched me hard, in a place that took weeks to recover! Hurty much.

In my next life, I swear I'm coming back as a man.

Tags: brother, gyno, injuries, pap, pussy, sex, smear, splinter, twat, vagina, virgin

10 comments

No Shoes!! Ahh we have ways of Punishing You...

Posted Aug 14 at 7:36 PM

In the building I work, there is a 24 Hour Fitness (Active), and because I am too lazy to go after work, I try to sneak in a workout in my lunchtime. This means that I have all manners of gym-stuff around my desk, socks, deoderant, undies, sneakers. There is an 'secret door' as I call it - which connects 24 Hour Fitness to my office, so on the occasion I have forgotten something I would open the escape door and get my stuff - rather than walking alllll the way outside to get basically 2 meters from my desk.

Recently, they set an alarm on my secret door - WEEEE OOOOO WEEEE OOOO... Telling them that I felt the urge to break out of their secret door cuz I forgot hairclips didnt go down well with security, so I had to promise not to use the secret door anymore.

Today, I got into the changeroom, and realized after getting ready that I had forgotten my sneakers.. ahhhh I could have my sneakers within 30 seconds if I was allowed thru my secret door, but alas I didnt want to get bitched at again... So I figured I would just work out in my socks.

Silly me thought I was the clever one, pulling the wool over 24hr Fitness' eyes, and working out in my socks, where I should be wearing shoes..

Well.... what I didnt know is that the design of those stupid eliptical machines is to totally break your feet if you try to use them without shoes.

The fat/skin on my feet was squished thru the holes, so that every move I makes now sends arrows of pain to the balls of my feet. I think I have bruised soles.. if that is possible.

Screw you holes!!! Next time I am going thru the secret door. I dont care of the repercussions, unless the repercussions is to force me to work out without shoes on your torture device.

Cant wait to limp to work tomorrow. Not.

________________________________________________________________

* I have to organize a baby shower for my friend in less than three weeks. Did I mention how jealous I am? And how my womb actually ACHES for a baby? Yes I know I can barely look after myself but I can still get clucky can't I? Right now I'll settle for lavishing love and attention on my shoes. At least there is no chance that the welfare people will take them away and charge me with neglect.

* I'm officially over summer. It's been hotter than satans balls and I've had enough. When it's too hot to go to the beach ( for fear of being baked alive. I swear you can smell roast flesh down at NewPort) then you know summer has overstayed it's welcome and it's time to fuck it off.
Bring on winter so I can whinge about the cold. I need whinge variety dammit!

5 comments

Mid-Week Ramblings

Posted Aug 13 at 9:01 PM

* We, (girl Mafia) have a suspicion that one of our girls boy is playing away. He has been behaving oddly and telling lies about his whereabouts. It's time to steal his phone and hack his email account. A council of war is being formed. He should be afraid. Very afraid. * cracks knuckles*

* I have a new shoe crush. His name is Aldo and he makes exquisite adornments for your feet, otherwise known as heels. I ohhh and ahhh when I surf this site and everyone assumes I'm looking at porn. To me it's almost as good...Almost.

* The demise of the G,banger, or G-string or thong, is one I'm not mourning. I've come to love the boyshorts comfy undies. A year ago, G's were all I owned, unless you counted my period pants, you know, the ones you wear when you have your monthlies! Now I only own two handfuls of the dreaded anal floss and I can shake off the G tag I got at my last workplace, for the dreaded faux pas of having the top of my G hang out my jeans one day! I know, I know. You can't imagine me being so tacky but it was an honest mishap. I've never been one of the diamonte G banger wearer's who like to flash their panties to all and sundry.

* Don't you hate it when you're having a conversation with someone and feel the need...Well, the need to use a tissue. So you try to sniff and do the scratchingyournosebutcheckingforstrayboogers thing, but you can't be sure you don't have visible snot hanging out your nose? Or what about when you really need to yawn. You try and stifle it till your eyes water and you pull a stupid face trying to KILL the yawn, instead you just end up looking like you have a smack habit? AND if those two drama's happen simultaneously, you need to check for snot AND yawn at the same time, you end up looking sooo retarded, the person you were talking to starts to back away from you with a look of absolute fear on their face!........Or maybe that just happens to me :P

*As I mentioned before. I'm freakin HORNY! But as I'm trying the celibacy thing right now. I shall deal with it and overcum.....er I mean overCOME! Meditation and yoga anyone? No? Ok bring on the pr0n and BOB. Must. Banish. Impure. Thoughts. Have you noticed when you're feeling a bit horny how all your senses are heightened? Smells, taste, touch, even hearing. And the most obscure thing can take on sexual connotations. Sitting in a meeting today about product margins and the like, the spikes on the graph made me think of rising erections! Gahh! At lunch, watching people eat became an erotic experience. Watching mouths devour, savour, lick and enjoy! Ohhh lord help me. I had to get up and leave. Later in the afternoon, I watched two co-workers ( who we all know are f-king each other senseless after hours) interact. Him at her desk, leaning over her chair supposedly showing her something on the computer. His hand moves to her back, then up to her neck. His thumb moving in small circles over her skin. Ohhhh dear! Maybe I should go work in a Convent. I can be the secretary or something ( do they even have secretaries in Convents?) Meh I could be the cleaner then, and avoid all temptation. Either that or self implode from the build up of suppressed hornyness.

Well, tonight I plan on going out with the girls and inebriating myself just a bit....Well maybe a LOT. Hope you all have a wondrous mid-week too. And if your gonna get a "bit" think of us poor farkers who are not. Can you see my halo? It's around my ankles ;)

Tags: aldo, booger, celibacy, cheat, crush, horny, mafia, rambling, sex, shoes, thong

7 comments